Interrogation
by mirrorballsymphony
Summary: A game of truth or dare between the Watch doesn't end well for Nobby...


Vimes looked down at the scrap of paper that someone, who knew who, had put on his desk.

'Is this the way the world works, Carrot?' he mourned.

'Hard to say, sir,' Carrot replied, staring straight ahead with an expression of honest diplomacy.

Vimes slumped down onto the chair. 'But what can they be doing that doesn't involve me?'

'I don't know.'

Vimes narrowed his eyes. 'That was a real 'I don't know', wasn't it?'

'What?'

'Not an 'It could be many things' or a 'Hard to tell'?'

'Just an 'I don't know', I think.'

'Damn.' Vimes glared at the piece of paper again. 'What are they planning?'

* * *

What _were_ they planning?

Initially they had gone to the Bucket to plan the ten year anniversary of Detritus, Cuddy and Angua's recruitment to the Watch, and Sybil and Sam's wedding, which was important as well, of course. Not _as_ important, though it should still be celebrated.

Now, though, that aim had dissolved in a cloud of exhaustion and a faint lingering aroma of alcohol. The group was slumped down at the table, despairing over the failure of the meeting.

'How about-'

'Nobby, we are _not_ bringing any strippers in,' Colon said wearily.

Nobby looked affronted. 'I wasn't going to suggest that. Actually, I had a new idea.'

'Nobby, we don't need any more ideas.'

'Especially not from you.' That was Angua's input.

'And can I repeat: no fire,' Reg said, clearly annoyed. 'You know me and fire. And Angua.'

Sally cleared her throat.

'You as well?'

'It's a personal thing.'

Colon looked confused for a moment, then chose to ignore his ears. 'Look, we aren't getting anywhere. Why don't we try tomorrow?'

'Every day is a new beginning,' Visit quoted.

Colon watched him for a moment. 'Y'know, Washpot, that actually made sense.'

'If you want, I've got a whole box of pamphlets here. Straight off the press.'

'Yeah, don't push it.'

The group stared into their glasses forlornly, which Mr Cheese had helpfully filled up.

'Well, we can't exactly go back to the watch house,' Sally said. 'We'd look like idiots.'

'More than the idiots we look like now?' Angua asked bitterly. It was full moon, she had had one too many pints and she could still smell the peppermint from the stink bomb which had been dropped two days ago.

Sally shot her a glare.

Nobby raised his head, and a collective heart sank as they saw the grin on his face. 'I've got an idea,' he said.

'No, Nobby.'

Nobby ignored Reg. 'How about truth or dare?'

'You what?' Cheery asked.

'Truth or dare. We used to play it when we were kids.'

'I never did.'

'Yeah, well, you're a bit older'n'me, Fred.'

Cheery looked intrigued. 'How do you play?'

Angua stood up abruptly. 'I am not playing truth or dare.'

'Why not?'

'Shall that be the first truth?' Sally asked innocently, grinning at her.

'Hey, that's not fair!'

'Don't worry, I've got all sorts of things for dare,' Nobby leered. Angua shuddered, but sat down.

'Fine.' She spread her arms. 'Ask away.'

'We've already asked you something.'

'Another question, please.'

'Nope. They're the rules.'

Angua desperately looked at Colon, but he just smirked at her. 'Fine,' she said. 'I was fifteen, I was with some of my brother's friends, and I had to go out and make out with some of them. Happy?'

'Not really, but go on.'

Angua raised her eyebrows at Sally. 'Go on? There's nothing else to say.'

'Well, you're boring. Actually, no: _some_ of your brother's friends?'

'Only one truth.'

'Bugger. Who's next?'

'Are we going clockwise or anticlockwise?' Reg asked.

'Clockwise.'

'Then that's- Hey, where's Visit?'

They looked at his empty lemonade glass. 'Bet it all got too infidely for him,' Nobby surmised.

'Then it's me,' Reg said glumly.

Sally was first. 'Since becoming a zombie, have you had a girlfriend?'

Reg gestured to himself. 'What do you think?'

'Yes or no?'

'No.'

'Then-'

'Oi, it's one question only, isn't it?'

'Fine, fine.' Sally turned to Cheery, and smiled at her. 'Truth or dare?'

Cheery gulped. 'Dare.'

They looked around the bar, trying to see anything that they could use for a dare. Apart from shots, and they all had bad experiences of that, there wasn't much.

'Shall we just play truths?' Angua asked.

'Good idea.' Sally looked at Cheery. 'So, when did you first notice you had a crush on Carrot?'

Angua spat out her drink. 'What?'

Cheery had gone bright red behind the beard. 'I never...I didn't...'

Colon stepped in. 'Look, ladies, don't get into a fight over Carrot. He wouldn't like it. And, more than that, Mr Cheese wouldn't like it. You know he gets iffy when watchmen fight.'

Angua ignored him. 'Since when?'

Sally leaned back in her chair and surveyed the carnage. 'Well, this was fun.'

'Look, can we just move on?' Nobby asked. 'I've got no interest in either Cheery or Carrot.'

Five pairs of interrogating eyes turned on him. 'So what do you have an interest in?'

Nobby squirmed.

'Since you suggested the game, surely you had a reason to.'

'And given your previous history of relationships, Nobby, it's not looking good.'

'What previous history?' Colon asked. Nobody answered him, remaining fixated on the squirming Nobbs.

Angua raised her eyebrows, and adopted a different tack. 'Maybe, seeing as Nobby is reluctant to answer his own question, he should design them for the rest of us.'

A flicker of relief crossed Nobby's face, soon to be replaced with one of terror as he caught sight of Angua's face.

'Oh, no no no. You ain't gettin' me with that trick.'

'What trick, Nobby?'

Nobby glared at her. 'It's no fun playin' truth or dare with coppers.'

_'When_, Nobby, _when_ was this game ever designed to be fun?'

'It was fun when we were kids.'

Angua narrowed her eyes. 'Who did you play truth or dare with?'

'Well, I-'

'Because Mister Vimes said you'd been in uniform since you were ten.'

'Before that,' Nobby stuttered.

'Well, I am amazed. Playing truth or dare before the age of ten. What, exactly, were the truths? Or dares, for that matter.'

Nobby mumbled something.

'So, why did you want us to play truth or dare with us?'

'To see if you and Sally would get it off,' Nobby blurted out.

There was a moment of stunned silence, punctuated by Sally starting to laugh, tears running down her face as Angua started giggling helplessly. She wasn't prone to giggling, but she couldn't stop.

'You thought,' Sally said between laughs, 'that me and her-'

'Would get it off?' Angua said incredulously. 'You think I'd do that to Carrot?'

'You think I'd kiss a werewolf?' Sally said at the same time. 'Oh, and Carrot as well,' she added hastily.

Nobby had gone bright red and was trying to hide behind his Slow Comfortable Double Entendre with lemonade.

Angua stood up, still grinning slightly. 'I'm going home. Seriously, first I join the Watch where people want me to act like one of the guys, now the tides have turned and you want me to be a lesbian. I mean,' here she looked at the vampire, 'you can never be sure about her, but I'm as straight as they come.'

'She has a point,' Sally said, shrugging.

'Well, y'know, people are open to new ideas.'

'Yes, Nobby, like lamb basander sounds nice. Not that.'

'I figured, bein' two creatures at once might've made you a bit confused.'

Angua shook her head. 'Nobby, I'm going out, and have been for the last ten years, with a guy with a six pack. I'm not gay.'

Cheery, who had stayed mostly silent, went bright red.

'And you can cut that out,' Angua told her. 'Though it's understandable, even if I am a little biased.'

Sally nodded her head in agreement and flinched as Angua span round to glare at her.

'Well, now we've sorted my sexuality out,' Angua said, struck by a new idea and sitting back down again, 'how about yours, Nobby? Why do you and Fred spend so much time together?'

Fred's mouthful of beer fountained over the table. 'What the-'

'It's nothing to be ashamed of, sarge,' Sally said, grinning evilly.

'I'm married! Have been for thirty years!'

'Doesn't stop Nobby.' She turned to him, and noticed his blush. 'I've always wondered why you have a penchant for wearing dresses.'

'You said you'd stop doing that!' Colon hissed. 'After Mister Vimes-'

'After Mister Vimes what?' Angua asked.

'This is getting interesting.'

'Look, there is nothing going on between him and me,' Colon said hurriedly.

'Alright, but that doesn't stop us questioning _his_ interests.'

They turned back to Nobby's chair, which was lacking a certain Nobbs.

'He's good,' Angua admitted after checking under the table.

'Yep.'

'Well, you would know, Colon,' Sally said, grinning evilly and taking another sip of her bright red drink.

'So Nobby's gone and Visit's gone,' Colon said, ignoring her. 'They were the ones with the ideas.'

'I'm sorry, did you hear what those two were planning? Maybe combine them together and you'd get a normal occasion.'

Reg frowned. 'You mean evangelical strippers?'

'Actually, maybe not such a good idea,' Sally corrected herself, then hiccuped.

'What are you drinking?'

'If you must know, it's cranberry juice and vodka. You should try it sometime, Angua.'

'Think I'll stick with the pint. Another round?'

Colon stood up, but shakily. 'I'd better be getting back to the missus,' he mumbled. 'There'll be hell to pay if I'm back drunk.'

'Want a mint?' Sally asked.

'I don't want to know why you carry around breath mints, Sally.'

'Vampires don't stumble when drunk and don't get hangovers. People should remember that fact.'

'Well, I should get back to Carrot. You know what he's like about drinking,' Angua said, sliding a dollar over to Mr Cheese.

'Hey, why don't we-'

'No, Sally.'

'Come on!'

'No, Sally.'

With a fair amount of stumbling, four members of the Watch, carrying an unconscious Cheery who had tried to drink her way out of embarrassment, made their way out of the Bucket, leaving Mr Cheese to clear up the many glasses.


End file.
